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Lesson learned: Only respectable photos of myself should go online.

Because one day, if I snap and go nuts, I don’t want the photo accompanying my story to be one of me looking like an idiot with a bowl on my head.

A European visitor to Alexandria in 1794, via The Lyceum:

Alexandria is one of the most wicked places I ever beheld in my life; cockfighting, horse racing, with every species of gambling and cheating, being apparently the principal business going forward.

For those of you who are planning a trip here, be warned, Alexandria hasn’t changed a bit in over 200 years.

I got a call from a coworker this morning letting me know she wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be making it in to the office. Had I been using my Verizon voicemail I would have dialed in, listened to the voicemail, felt sorry for the coworker who sounded ill, and been on my way. But I’m not using Verizon voicemail. Instead, I’m harnessing the power of Google Voice(mail)! When someone leaves me a voicemail, Google will automatically take a stab at transcribing the message and sends me a text with that transcription. Usually it’s close enough to figure out the gist of the call, but off just enough for hilarity to ensue.

Well, today it was all too clear that Google just can’t stop itself from meddling in my social life!

7/30/10 7:31 AM
Hey hon, it’s [coworker], I love you. I’m feeling a lot worse, today on and so I’m gonna stay home Today. I wanted to, let you know So call me back if you talk. Thanks, night.

Google! How many times do I have to tell you that I am very happily spoken for? And my coworker is married! You’ve crossed a line this time. These attempts at matchmaking need to stop immediately!

Unless, of course, I’m leaving a message for Tina Fey. In which case, no matter what I say you should let her know that I love her.

Have you ever eaten Shredded Wheat cereal? No, not those measly Frosted Mini-Wheats; Shredded Wheat laughs at your Frosted Mini-Wheats, and then eats them for breakfast. I’m talking “Original” Shredded Wheat! Biscuits so big you can’t fit ‘em in your mouth!

A box of Shredded Wheat showed up in our house recently and, I’ll be honest, it confused me. I opened the lid, peaked in, and saw a bunch of paper wrapping. What kind of cereal comes in individually wrapped containers? Only Original Shredded Wheat, my friends!

What do you do with these things? Are they for napping?

Well, maybe they’d make for a good travel pillow, but something just didn’t feel right. So I put them in a bowl.

THEY JUST BARELY FIT IN A BOWL?! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE? WHAT KIND OF CEREAL DOESN’T FIT IN A DANG BOWL? I don’t care if it was invented 100 years ago! Bowls existed then!

Eventually I just gave in, covered them in milk and chopped them up with my spoon.

And they were pretty delicious. How can something so delicious contain nothing but whole grain wheat? They “put the ‘no’ in innovation,” indeed! But maybe next time we can get it in spoon size.

Do-It-Yourself Tip #874 Learned From the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill: Bathroom toilet has burst, spewing gallons of water all over your bathroom floor? No problem!

Take a tip from the experts down in the Gulf. Just tape up a cardboard box and lower it over the toilet to cap the leak. We recommend not skimping on the box quality and, of course, using duct tape. Guaranteed to solve your problem!

But you’re still going to need a very large mop for cleanup.

Our Beagle, Charlie, has a powerful nose. He also has a powerful stomach. Together, they work to make sure no stray food is left behind.

After meeting Charlie I learned very quickly that if he insists there is a small piece of food hiding somewhere (say behind a shut door or underneath the couch) then that something is most definitely present and Charlie is not resting until it is in his belly. Many times Charlie has sat in front of a closet, clawing under the door, trying desperately to squeeze his snout through the oh-so-small opening. He will stare at me with a pathetic look, whining, until I’ve opened the door for him. “There’s nothing there, Charlie!” But sure enough, once the door is open he’ll find and gobble up the lone piece of kibble and happily trot off. I no longer doubt him.

So this morning, when I heard Charlie whining and clawing under the couch after eating his breakfast, I knew a piece of his kibble must have fallen under there. Standard operating procedure for situations like this says I slide the couch out and let him wander around behind it, sifting through the dust and dog hair to find his stray kibble. And sure enough, he quickly found his kibble and wandered off.

Meanwhile, quietly watching all of this was from the front of the couch was our little Layla, so innocent with her giant Cavalier King Charles Spaniel eyes. A few minutes after replacing the couch I heard lighter scratching coming from the couch area. When I walked over I saw Layla’s little butt and tail waving in the air as she had her nose shoved underneath the couch, clawing for who knows what.

I just stood there and shook my head. Layla looked at me, expecting me to move the couch for her. “That’s not how things work in this house, Little Girl, ” I informed her. Under our roof, your nose has to earn its couch-moving respect. If Charlie was satisfied that all the kibble was gone from the couch then so was I.

Fortunately, Layla quickly got the message and decided a nap was a better way to spend the rest of her morning. If there was indeed kibble left behind Charlie would not have given up so easily. The little girl has a long way to go.

My Gap jeans, purchased just a few months ago, already have a small hole in the pocket where I hold my wallet.

All day at work I do nothing but sit on my butt in front of my computer. What if I actually did something butt-strenuous for a living, like a rodeo cowboy or a luger? This is completely unacceptable.

When are men’s shirts going to get more pockets? I have a decent selection of button-down shirts, none of which have more than two pockets on the front. Some even have no pockets. I know, it’s absurd. How do you expect me to get through the day with zero pockets on my shirt? What, am I supposed to carry around a purse? Ha! No, give me pockets. More and more pockets!

So why is so much available real estate left vacant right there on the front of a typical button-down shirt? Why do designers stop at two pockets?

My friends, those days are over. Topman has revolutionized the shirt game.

Boom, they went to 5 pockets!¹ Five glorious pockets all over the front of this shirt! There are so many pockets that they had to put a pocket on top of another pocket just to squeeze ‘em all in.

“I don’t know, I think that’s too many pockets.” What?! There’s no such thing as “too many pockets.” Just think of the possibilities! Do you want to carry around your cell phone, wallet, camera, a few pens and a deck of cards all at once? Then do it! A lack of pockets certainly won’t be holding you back.  How about a GI Joe, He-Man and Battle Cat action figures, a handful of Werther’s Originals and pack of gum? You are super cool and this shirt sounds like your dream come true! Maybe you want to swing by the gym after work and need to carry a change of clothes. Well, too bad, because there’s no way you’re fitting all that in these small pockets, I don’t care how many there are. Get a gym bag, stupid.

And yet, I’m worried I’ve already become too complacent with simply five pockets. There’s still so much pocketless material hanging out all over this shirt. Look at those barren sleeves. How long are we going to have to wait for sleeve pockets? Designers, make it work!

To do my part in helping Syracuse advance through March Madness this year I am growing a Tournament Beard. What’s a Tournament Beard? Well, it’s sort of like an NHL Playoff Beard, only probably a lot less smelly, and I won’t be shaving it until either Syracuse loses or I’m (once again) hearing One Shining Moment with tears of joy streaming down my cheeks.

I haven’t shaved since the morning of Thursday, March 18. I’d say things aren’t looking all that great:

The big problem is, like any time I’ve tried to grow a beard, things just don’t fill in properly. It’s like my facial hair has a very low resolution, a small “hairs per inch.” My beard was designed on an 8-bit Nintendo while full, proper beards are running on a Play Station 3.

Regardless, the beard continues. Championship or bust! Go Orange. Shut it down!

Dear Bathroom Guy,

I recently realized that I am conducting most of my business meetings in the bathroom — at the sink, at the urinals, over the stall wall — so I decided to just finally bite the bullet and move my whole office into the bathroom. The chair fit in pretty easily but I’m having trouble…

I’m sorry, stop right there. I can’t read any more. Tell me who your employer is so I can call and have them take away your bathroom privileges.

Listen to me clearly: Stop talking about business in the bathroom! In fact, why don’t you just stop talking in the bathroom all together. I’m guessing your normal bathroom routine is sort of like this:

[Walking in to bathroom] Hey, everybody who is in here, I’m in here too! Carl from accounting, is that your butt I’m looking at standing at the urinal? Why don’t I sidle up next to you and talk about the meeting I was just in. Ooh, those wingtips poking out under the stall door could only be yours, David! Sounds like you’re doing well. [Snickers. Makes way over to sink.] Joseph, let me tell you about this other project I’m working on and get your opinion. Oh man, I love doing business in the bathroom!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the bathroom more than anyone. It’s where I do my best thinking. I’ve definitely dreamed about moving my office to the bathroom, and maybe I even have the blue prints of my design stuffed away in a desk drawer somewhere. But in the end, I realized that doing business in the bathroom is just inappropriate behavior. It violates all sorts of bathroom etiquette, not only for you and your coworkers, but also for the innocent bystanders having to put up with your work jibber-jabber.

If you cannot learn to only talk about trivial items in the bathroom at appropriate locations (i.e. the sink), then you probably just shouldn’t talk at all. Upon entering the bathroom, keep your eyes focused straight ahead, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and get in and out as quickly and quietly as possible. Trust me, everyone will appreciate your proper bathroom etiquette, and who knows, maybe you’ll even learn to accomplish work in the office!

Most Sincerely Answered Not from a Restroom,
The Bathroom Guy

Pressing urge to have your bathroom questions answered? Email it to The Bathroom Guy at bathroomguy@voteprime.com