Christmas time means one thing for Jews across the United States: Chinese food and a movie. This is our way of recognizing the birth of that guy – it’s fun, it’s tasty and although we might complain about the ever-rising price of movie tickets these days (oy), it’s cheaper than all those damn gifts everyone is buying each other. So that’s what we do. It’s a tradition. Our tradition.
But there’s a problem. You see, this is a Jewish tradition. We are an open and accepting people, don’t get me wrong. But over the last few years I have seen a lot of non-Jews at both the movies and the Chinese food restaurants on Christmas. At first it was just the Indians and Asians and other various non-Christians. We are an accepting people, as I said above. So occassionally I’ll catch a, “get a load of this guy” glance from a fellow Jew as an Indian family walks by to their dinner table, but that’s about the extent of it. No one really cares, in fact, I think all Jews are glad that people are discovering that there are other things to do on December 25 besides participate in Christmas.
But you see, the problem is that now the Christians are catching on. After weeks of celebrating their “12 days” and bombarding us with Christmas trees and Christmas carols and Christmas decorations and Christmas cookies (actually, keep the Christmas cookies coming. I’ve got some Chanukah gelt I could trade you…) these Christians want more. Apparently opening mounds of presents that Santa “brought” only takes a few hours. That leaves most of the day left to, well, eat Chinese food and watch a movie. And as a result, the theatres are packed and the restaurant wait times are getting longer.
And us Jews are getting pissed. We came up with our own thing just so we could stay out of your way. The plan was working fine for decades. Why the sudden change? Well, change it back. You stick to your presents and we’ll stick to our Chinese food and a movie. Everyone will be happy. Please? Did I mention I have plenty of Chanukah gelt to offer you?