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Dear Bathroom Guy,

I recently realized that I am conducting most of my business meetings in the bathroom — at the sink, at the urinals, over the stall wall — so I decided to just finally bite the bullet and move my whole office into the bathroom. The chair fit in pretty easily but I’m having trouble…

I’m sorry, stop right there. I can’t read any more. Tell me who your employer is so I can call and have them take away your bathroom privileges.

Listen to me clearly: Stop talking about business in the bathroom! In fact, why don’t you just stop talking in the bathroom all together. I’m guessing your normal bathroom routine is sort of like this:

[Walking in to bathroom] Hey, everybody who is in here, I’m in here too! Carl from accounting, is that your butt I’m looking at standing at the urinal? Why don’t I sidle up next to you and talk about the meeting I was just in. Ooh, those wingtips poking out under the stall door could only be yours, David! Sounds like you’re doing well. [Snickers. Makes way over to sink.] Joseph, let me tell you about this other project I’m working on and get your opinion. Oh man, I love doing business in the bathroom!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the bathroom more than anyone. It’s where I do my best thinking. I’ve definitely dreamed about moving my office to the bathroom, and maybe I even have the blue prints of my design stuffed away in a desk drawer somewhere. But in the end, I realized that doing business in the bathroom is just inappropriate behavior. It violates all sorts of bathroom etiquette, not only for you and your coworkers, but also for the innocent bystanders having to put up with your work jibber-jabber.

If you cannot learn to only talk about trivial items in the bathroom at appropriate locations (i.e. the sink), then you probably just shouldn’t talk at all. Upon entering the bathroom, keep your eyes focused straight ahead, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and get in and out as quickly and quietly as possible. Trust me, everyone will appreciate your proper bathroom etiquette, and who knows, maybe you’ll even learn to accomplish work in the office!

Most Sincerely Answered Not from a Restroom,
The Bathroom Guy

Pressing urge to have your bathroom questions answered? Email it to The Bathroom Guy at bathroomguy@voteprime.com